I googled it. The characteristics. All the warning signs.
I have to accept he abused me.
Mentally and physically.
I’m scared.

I’m going to college. I’m really going to college. UB accepted me, even without the “necessary” recommendation letter. I thought I wasn’t good enough. They want me there. They really want me there. I CAN do this. I can get as far as I want in this life. It’s all real, and I can do it. I’ve made it so far already. I’m so happy.

I see myself as gigantic. There’s SO much to me. I hate all of it. All the wrong curves. I’m so disgusting.

I’m so terrified of not eating again. I really am.

Why aren’t I ever good enough?

About once or twice a week, every time I remember my dream, you’re in it.

Every time, you’re coming after me, going crazy, screaming at me, trying to hurt me. Trying to kill me.

I wake up shaking, every time, terrified you’ll come back.

I’m over you. I never want you back.

But I haven’t gone a single day yet where I don’t think about what you did to me; where it doesn’t hurt; where I feel good enough; where I don’t think it’ll always happen.

It hurts every day.

How could you?

I don’t know what it is tonight. I just want to die, or fucking explode.

Just, cry.

I can see through everything. Her smile, his words, your actions. Everything’s fake. I didn’t think all of this would change me so much. I never thought what he did to me would make me think differently, like everyone would just do the same. I’m so fucking terrified and it’s killing me. 

Somehow this describes my thoughts right now.

Think I’m strong? Think I’m over it? Fuck you. Fuck how you treated me. I was so fucking stupid. I deserve so much better than that. Someone who actually wants to see me smile, not cry. Someone who will do things for me for once. I deserve to be treated like someone who has feelings. I live, I breath, just like you. Only I have a faithful heart. Or a heart in general. Fuck you. Yeah, I miss you. I miss being held and kissed and “loved”. All you ever did was for your benefit. I gave you everything. Every god damned peice of me. Everything. What do you give me? Shit. You don’t deserve even my tears.